He posted a picture of my bra on facebook with the caption "I don't know who I hooked up with last night but if this is yours please come pick it up".
he has the hands of the vagina gods.
I think the tooth fairy visited me last night... after I chipped my tooth n blacked out, I woke up to my purse filled with cocaine n sequins.
The guy I met last night said we had a real connection and gave me his AA coin because he met me during his relapse
I was trying to fart in my sleep in the hopes that he would leave
We are no longer allowed to have pre 4th party week. I woke up with a donut stuck to my face and 'MILF' written in black marker on my stomach.
Mother of the Year
Good thing my vagina doesn't have a chronometer on it. I'm sure my fiance would be horrified. Probably 10 miles from this past weekend alone.
Is it weird that the best sex I've ever had was to Barbara Streisand's Christmas album?
I just love that a strip club has taco Tuesday.
Soooo I think my neighbor just saw me masturbating on my porch
I found her outside drinking steak sauce out of the bottle.
I got myself off in the shower last night for the first time ever! I just looked like I was playing a game of twister.
Putting plan B on my parents credit card wasn't the smartest idea
You're a disaster
Wanna date?
I just wanna be naked and go frolic in the snow
Randomize
