My Vagina smells like Nemo again.
Its midnight, he's burning water on the stove and keeps yelling at me and telling me not to burn myself.
I need someone to meet me at the end of the road and throw captain morgan at my face like they do with water at marathons
He's covered in dirt and enchiladas. We're going drinking now.
I was ready to fuck him until he pulled the "I might be bi curious" card. Now its turned into a guilt fuck. It's like he's a 3rd world child in need of a sexual orientation.
If you can count on one hand the number of times you have actually, truly nearly died this month, then you are not really living yet.
All I know is that every time I looked at my glass it was full again and I thought it would be rude not to drink it
Just woke up. Naked. Under an animal pelt. With a girl. I've never met her. She's pretty naked too.
I'm running on 2 hours of sleep. Just spent 6 minutes staring at the back of my hand thinking: "I don't really know this that well"
Go to the bar. Find a girl. Ask if she can cook. Tell her you have a guitar at home. Ask her if she wants to see it. Bring her home. Sleep with her. Tell her it's your birthday in the morning. Enjoy your made with lust breakfast.
He took a girl home at like eight, fucked her, kicked her out, came back to the bar, and repeated the process again at 10:30 and 2:30. THREE GIRLS IN ONE NIGHT. ALL PICKUPS. I HATE HIM.
Me: I shouldn't go to the airport bar it's too expensive and I don't need it. Dark me: SHOTS AT 7 AM
As long as there is beach, drink, dick, in that order. I’m in.
I'll give you some leg action but I'm not showing you anything else until your penis admits it loves me
And despite my lack of successful relationships I'm a fucking guru
That's like claiming you're a good coach but going 2-12 last season
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