They told me I spent half the night at the club with one ball hanging out my shorts. Apparently it got me 1 free drink, 2 numbers, and thrown out.
i turned job hunting into a drinking game..
He came on my chin and called me cumbledore. i give up.
I have to stop drunkenly making out with guys just because they're tall or have a beard.
With your fertility you would just get contact pregnant
Today I'm judging my level of singleness on a scale of one to eat-a-can-of-frosting. It's not looking good for me.
Ooooh. Get funfetti
There's no way I'm ready for marriage. I have too many pics of other guys' junk on my phone for an eternal commitment right now.
After what I experienced at 6am this morning, all I can say is chew your noodles thoroughly.
I think my body knows it's dying and is just shutting down
Your final is gonna be as easy for you as getting into straight girls' pants is for me.
For a guy who came before his dick was out of his pants, he gave surprisingly good head.
Its my nipple ring piercing anniversary. We need to celebrate.
Tell me why i'm looking through my medical records and the last thing it said about my labor was 'vagina was explored'!?
TURNS OUT they were both cheating. Like the Gift of the Magi except for shitty people
Mass text: You have all failed me. How have the people I loved so much let me go so long in life without ever eating a McRib sandwich?!
Randomize
