Sex on a kitchen table is not as amazing as they make is seem in the movies.
He's been dead since March and more people write on his wall than mine.
Just transferred the sun chips from that obnoxious Eco-friendly bag into a zip lock. Fuck the environment, that bag is loud.
It just hit me that I woke up to you in a bear suit. Explain.
Heaven was on the 3rd floor and Hell was on the first. When the cop walked up he was confused as to who the noise complaint was for and wrote both apartments a noise violation.
I learned something last night. Strippers can be on house arrest?
It's like a booty call, except its for tacos...and you're my brother.
Last night you texted me "tqiirkykbg doe freedom always"... why?
This is my college life. Rolling at 4PM on a Wednesday to skrillex in the parking lot of a mexican restaurant.
His dick is magical but I don't want to die in this blizzard do you see my dilemma
The only thing about him that I appreciated was that he destroyed the bathroom at your birthday and missed singing to you. And we all knew.
while giving me head, she stopped, looked up at me smiling and said "ill never be able to look at bananas the same way again" and then went back to work.
I just threw up on the way to class. Legit, on the sidewalk by psych building.
THAT WAS YOU? Psych prof just pointed out the window and said "that kids, is why you don't pregame before class"
My life. Always pantsless and occasionally topless.
Wtf did i hit my head on?
Tequila
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