I totally have a Rabbi on speed dial now. Keep it Kosher.
Woke up this morning with one boob drawn on to look like the globe. Questionable?
Just saw actual Chinese people doing a Chinese firedrill. Good day.
He told me he had herpes after I put his hotdog in my mouth
It is virtually impossible to listen to single ladies and perform any seated task.
so literally, as soon as i tripped and fell and hit the floor the earthquake started. hows THAT for a self esteem boost?
Is there a word for someone who only has sex with NFL prospects?
Do you know how difficult it is to give head to someone who's imitating Forrest Gump?
I woke up five hours later with a mouthful of Jimmy John's while clinging to my sandwich.
If anyone wants to ring in the new year with gluttony and yoga pants, let me know. As soon as it becomes a socially acceptable hour to drink margaritas, I'm gonna go down on a chimichanga.
I know more about this girls vagina than I know about her personality
Yeah the last text says "How many your ass,,,,, prepare it" so take that for what it is
I'm sorry I put my balls through your watch. On another note your roommate had them on his shoulder too sry
Yea. You locked yourself outside naked with nothing but running shoes and claimed it was a "parent trap thing."
may or may not have snorted a line of tums... wtf.
Randomize
