My sheets look like a crime scene.
And if you don't call me, I will embarrass you publicly with a can of spray cheez.
My hispanic family watching the world cup is getting too intense for me. a lit candle was just thrown at me because i walked by the tv.
her facebook pictures are like a timeline of all the guys she's screwed.
If she wants to think that freshman 15 means sleeping with 15 guys than so be it I just gotta make sure I'm one of them.
You were fucking on a porch at a party, not much privacy should be expected
She made me sing happy birthday to myself at the urinal.
It's annoying. I only date people who are 6 foot 3, drug dealers, or 2 years older than me.
She's barefoot and topless screaming "HERE KITTY-KITTY" at a stray cat in the ditch on the side of the highway. How do I get her back in the car?
His pillow talk sucks. It was like Mr. Roger's vagina.
Hold on - sidebar. My best friend just threw a 40 pack of condoms through my window.
Man, I meant to go dancing, but accidentally took mushrooms and just threw the frisbee in the park
Surprise ending
I gave him morning sex, a bag of cookies, and dropped him off at work. I believe I deserve the "best hookup award."
The tit pic search didn't go as planned, some old guy sent me a pic of his balls and said stop texting his daughter. Better luck tomorrow
Don't read too much into what I just sent. I love you, always have, but I'm drunk and sorry for the confusion.
Which part? The boyfriend or the sex?
Boyfriend. SEX IS ON!!!
Randomize
