dude i just saw the hottest 13 year old but she was kinda ghetto.
ok, im coming! i just found some lemon square in my bangs, washing that out..this shit is all over me! was i in a pie eating contest?
yes
did i win? did you like my outfit? or should i change, if you were horny would you bang me?
Dude, I just cut my asshole on the new toilet paper. If you rationed the grocery money to buy drugs, I better be getting some.
I forgot my id and a man called soup is buying me vodka.
they still hired me even though my background check came back with a warrent for my arrest.
Finished watching the entire first season of mighty morphing power rangers. Now I have nothing. Not even a life.
his face was nice enough, but his choice of footwear screamed columbian drug lord
Need you on the dancefloor. Hungry and lonely.
I'm imagining a seal in an ugly shirt hahahahaha Percocet
I'm going to CVS to meet the Craigslist guy who is going to buy my underwear. If I don't text you within the next hour, plz assume that I have been abducted by a stranger with an underwear fetish.
She posted a pic of her bf on ig wishing him a happy bday at midnight. She then proceeded to have sex with me. Who is the bday boy again?
I promise that I won't shotgun beers with your boyfriend this time, Scouts Honor.
Today I learned I and my bar naps were the subject of a bar meeting.
I'm going to reward myself for having sex with coffee and a breakfast burrito.
I've realized that my life is a cycle of high that is only broken by sobering up at work, which only happens because I can't smoke more
Randomize