I might be drunk enough to make out with you. You don't want to miss this unique opportunity.
I owe all of my success to double stuf oreos and weed.
Talking to this girl is like playing minesweeper on hard. There's red flags everywhere.
Just figured out why my bed smells like weed: I just found a bowl in my pillow case?
Every shot buddy I have I end up blowing. I don't know whether this pattern is good or bad.
Rumble strips road head = magical
I woke up on the dog bed, bottle of alcohol still in hand and my thong was hanging off the family portrait.... Yikes
She was bending and I said "finally, about time". Wrong, she was tying her shoe. No blowjobs for me.
Cry into your wine glass and then drink the tears, it's like the fountain of youth
He tried to reenact Braveheart's freedom scream but got tackled by his drunk roommate who thought he was yelling that the handle he was holding up was free.
Nothing like cleaning out your cleavage from lunch, finding cookie crumbs and eating them...
I thought we were but then I freaked myself out. So I kind of geared him up for take off and then cancelled the launch
How is someone going to pee on the floor two days in a row? Fuck this place.
i got my period today. mid walk of shame and im wearing a shirt that says stay classy. my life is a joke.
Aww you are cute. With your penis. And failures.
Randomize
