Party priorities: alcohol > girls > music > cups > decorations
There is a woman in the bar breastfeeding a baby. Doing shots. Gotta love maryland Applebees.
She said I walked up to the McDonalds counter and ordered just a cup full of pickles then proceeded to offer some to everyone in the place.
It's a given that you're going to get peed on at a country concert
They just keep looking funny at me. No one has attempted to tell me that I don't make sense though so maybe they're all way more high than I am.
I sent dad a photo of my graduation certificate from drug therapy class. It was his birthday so it seemed appropriate.
His last Google search was "will sperm ruin the retina display on Apple products?"
Home-made laxative recipe: activia yogurt and tequila shots. Any ratio ought to work.
I flashed the bar tender last night. Apparently I wanted a whiskey to go and that was the golden ticket. This is why I never come home
He's a doctor now.. hope he can cure his small dick
Did body shots with a guy... Ended up being the ref of my volleyball game... So that's why we won
I wasn't going to just ask my parents for a damn vibrator for christmas
if you're wondering why I texted you some girl's name at 4 am it's because you wanted to Facebook stalk the girl who gave that Irish guy we met at the Chinese food place her license and said 'call me'
I think you threw up on me last night but i can't remember so i'm not mad at you.
just woke up with a trucker hat, half a grilled cheese, and popcorn spread everywhere. last night must have been good.
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