Tried killing a moth in our bathroom. Water everywhere. Don't worry about it.
i just won a 100 dollar gift card to walmart in a karaoke contest...i love kentucky
Please stop trying to convince people that you're retarded and I suck your dick in the same conversation.
i can't believe he threw up on you. Well thats what you get for being DD. I used the sombreros as a shield!
This is how my night is going so far. The bartender bought our last two rounds and I'm chasing a bee around the bar with a foam bat.
He is dust bro dust in the wind I waited in this unlocked car long enough.
Can I just have sex with him and then never talk to him? I need him to be the Mr. Miyagi of my sex life.
Guess who was PASSED OUT ON A BMW. I shit you not
Stop it right now
This time face forward
My mom has had 5 shots of fireball today and she's still functioning normally... She's just extra polite.
I'll have to start mass sending dong pics to get the recognition I deserve
its not everyday you see batman on the ground with someone riverdancing on his face bourbon street never disappoints
THAT BEAUTIFUL FACE AND HEAVENLY LIGHTING IS NOT HELPING THE NOT DEAD POINT HOW DO I NOT KNOW YOU ARE NOT TEXTING ME FROM THE AFTERLIFE
The after life smells like latex gloves and hand soap
We need to borrow someone's dog. Just so we can non-creepily go to PetSmart and watch all the other dogs take photos with Santa
I woke up this morning and had to retrieve my clothes from the flagpole, they were using my boxers as a makeshift rally flag for drinking. Yeah last night was a success.
My new roommate looks like a troll. Or a serial killer. So if I disappear, show this text to the cops.
Randomize
