I found out he doesn't have a facebook, twitter, or myspace. So, I'm going to actually go to his house to spy on him.
3 complete strangers have joyously high-fived me on campus today. Tell me why, starting after jager bomb #4.
her cat was choking so she kept trying to stick her finger in her cat's mouth while saying "it's okay kitty, just do what mommy does"
You disinfected one of his friends, buttered the jeans of the other one. And you poured every liquid you could reach on the floor, including cooking oil and green tea. It wasnt a great first impression
You need to always be prepared. Like a sex firefighter.
I picked up a guy that night wearing a onesie. I kicked Xmas' ass
you're the one asking for my vibrator at 4 in the morning so reconsider your life
Will it make you feel better if we wear the title of dysfunctional fucking roommates? It requires monogamy unless we want to bang someone together.
Btw had an awesome time last night. Found some blood on my shirt and ear but I'll chalk it up to the tequila shots.
Why is there a whip in the kitchen?
hi, I love you... and I'm sorry your floor is covered in popcorn, your cabinet is broken, all your alcohol is gone, you're 80 dollars poorer, everything in your bedside table is soaked in beer, austin slept in your bed in those disgusting underwear, I made out with your toilet seat, and for talking to your mom with a four loko in my hand
i gave head in a cab last night. get on my level.
If I ever say "I'm never drinking again" just hand me a bottle of jack. I'll snap out of it.
he's figured out my code; what are you doing = I haven't found a better dick yet
Don’t listen to me, I’m walking around wearing nothing but rave bracelets and headphones shouting “yeeeeaaahhhhhh”
Randomize
