If you're going to watch porn, can you atleast be considerate and watch it on my old laptop and not the new one?
Last night I went to an anything but cups party. I took a hummingbird feeder. It was a terrible decision.
maddie and i have invented a community puke bowl. explanation later
I give you the lube, you make me the mac and cheese, that's a pretty fair deal I think.
i was so fucked up i thought i was at home depot
There are a bunch of guys at the door looking for the guy you brought back to the condo...pretended not to speak English. You're welcome.
I know it was a good night because I got a lecture from my roommates mom about stranger danger
He's getting Easter eggs filled with weed or Jell-O shots for his birthday
He won't leave and I need to take a shit and vomit, quite possibly at the same time.
As he was cumming he yelled "Yahtzee" then said im free to go. Thats my one night stand
He pulled out a red and green condom and then started humming "Here Comes Santa Claus." Happy holidays indeed.
I just shaved my pubes into a heart shape. if that doesn't scream romantic idk what does
if wiping your ass w an envelope isnt the definition of hitting "financial rock bottom " then nothing is!
The only words we could get out of him as he stared catatonically into space were "Everyone I know and love is dead"
I am drunk shake weighting right now.
Randomize