just to let you know, don't open your linen closet for a while until i come over with a cleaning kit and geek squad
Last night when I was hammered I set a reminder to tell you that your boobs are my favorite ones in the world, so this is me giving you that message.
he called AT&T to make sure that he had insurance before he threw his cell phone into the fountain.
Sober December ended when I found beer behind my bed...I lost $2000 but spent 6 hours sober. Meet me at the bar?
His penis has a special gift of curing my broken heart
She just laid there, sucking on a piece of steak, with the most content look on her face. Just before she passed out (steak still on her mouth) she said the cat box needed to be emptied
Trumps. I've been wiping my ass with fast food napkins for 3 days.
i think smoking weed in a ladies bathroom on the beach with two dudes might be the shadiest thing ive done in a while
You tried to impress her by kicking the 5th floor button in the elevator, but you ended up kicking everything from 3 to 11. Then you said, "pretty accurate, huh ladies?"
A warmed up burrito and jelly beans. The breakfast of champions.
Def went to work still drunk... the only comment i got was good to see you drinking more water...
Being an adult can't be all bad. I just took a vacation day solely to sit around and get stoned
i just got carded for condoms. wtf.....this is new. isnt safe sex a good thing?
you said it was a life or death situation, being your partner for beer pong doesn't count
You abruptly started screaming because they had and I quote “calamari on the hoof”
Randomize
