Don't judge me. It was less weird than it sounds when we were in the moment and it was his birthday
It's not my fault I help girls realize they're lesbians.
I just called my mom 'Napoleon bronaparte'. I need to stop hanging out with you.
constantly striving to make life awkward and more complicated, one drunk bone at a time.
He was just lying on the living room floor watching Star Wars with six empty pack of cigarettes and two empty cases of beer.
In his defence I guess I did take the bed, couch and dining room set in the breakup.
You strapped the bucket of KFC into the carseat and refused to let me drive over 20 miles per hour the whole ride home. That high.
I found three vicadin and a pint of fireball with the note. In case of emergency drink me under their sink.
She's throwing herself an "I just had a baby" shower, where she makes up for 9 months of sobriety then squeezing a watermelon out of her vagina.
you can't get cum all over my hair and then tell me you just want to be friends
If he doesn't fuck you on the 4th of July, he doesn't really love this country.
You kept yelling stranger danger at Nick because he was talking to that girl you didn't like. Your not invited ever again.
Had a moment of weakness, slept with my ex last night
So that's why our room smells like tequila and shame.
Theres a woman here with grey hair that im pretty sure i would have sex with
Who cares if he’s younger, he’s hung like a moose. Your vagina will never forgive you if you pass on that dick
Working from home has been great for my sex life! A few of my neighbors are in open marriages and several more wish they were!!!
Randomize
