come pick me up. please. i just puked in my lap. bring pants.
Well whatever you do have, it sure worked on me.
A Penis?
During sex she told me I could do anything I wanted to her. You remember that toy lightsaber we bought at Wal Mart?
The background of my phone is you taped to the wall wearing a cowboy hat
dude a monday night stripper made you motorboat her. you should get that checked out
Friendly reminder that on the walk home you tripped but instead of falling to the sidewalk, you tried to save it and ended up headbutting my ex-boyfriend in the balls. ILU.
Are we in any of the areas with tornados?
Dude, i don't even have pants on yet, it's too early to think about tornadoes.
This is the guy I made out with and it made me think of my dad. Let's never talk about it again.
I told him that if he cleaned the bathroom, I'd blow him. You could eat off the toilet. Seriously, get over here. This is the cleanest you'll ever see it.
WHAT IS MY LIFE THAT THE ONLY PERSON INTERESTED IN FUCKING ME IS MY 6TH GRADE MATH TEACHER
Would it be wrong to text my ex and say "congratulations on the new baby that you had with a stripper"?
Emily saved me from being trapped on my roof and then I beat her in a race at 5am it was a low key night
That is priceless. You walk into her house, fuck her husband and demand Chinese food. Your an inspiration to us all.
she is legit trying to fuck me to death between her and work i haven't slept in 3 days and have at least 16 hours to go before sleep is a possibility. can i crash at your place she doesnt know where you live
Is it sad that I just pissed sitting down so I didn't have to stop eating doritos?
Randomize
