6 figure salary? he just got a little cuter.
just had sex in his gielfriend's bed, and puked all over it. i need to get out of here.
Banging your ex-girlfriends best friend 3 days after you break up is like saying "fuck you" with feeling. I wouldnt have it any other way.
The bar posted my picture because my name changes with each new fake i get. i'm getting a wig.
I think off duty cops drove me home. I may have been hitchhiking
I have hit nutritional rock bottom I am spreading peanut butter on to lays potato chips
ripping the fire alarm off the wall probably seemed like a better idea last night than it really was.
Spent fifteen minutes in the car thinking i was psychic before i realized the cd was not on shuffle
Hold on, I need to find something to wear that says "I don't contribute to your daughter's drug problem"
my parents have to start far too many of our conversations with the sentence "this is an observation, not a judgment" than I'm proud of
At some point he mentioned fried rice and take out... I don't think we know how sexting works
I wore a shirt that says "more tequila" to my bday party last year and that's why I want to be my own friend
This text constitutes a formal request for sexual congress under the terms of our Relationship Agreement.
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO BE A DRUNK WHEN ALL MY ENABLERS ARE BUSY?!
THERE HAS BEEN GRANDTHEFT IN THE HOUSE. SOMEONE STOLE THE BABYWIPES AND YOU NEED TO BUY MORE BEFORE WE LET YOU IN. oh and you have to take two shots before we'll let you in. with no chaser.
Randomize