I would like to remind you that Mike's hard lemonade only goes good with an extra light cigarette and seminal fluid.
I just mistook a monk for someone with the newest colored snuggie.
So then I sent a pic msg of the Magnum XL box to her friend
The manager of the bar we were at the night before came to my house today giving me coupons. Apperently you and i won karaoke night which is a prize of 300 beer dollars. No idea what beer dollars means nor do i have any memory of doing karaoke but lets go back tonight.
It was around the time I started requesting "big girl straws" from the bartender for my jack and diets, that I knew I'd probably wake up with my sunglasses on and find my wallet in the shower.
If I am going to throw out this whole "born again virgin" thing...i'm not going to do it on someone who is less than 5 inches.
I need a vacation from myself..this is duely noted after I tried giving myself a concussion last night
Please note: when a bouncer tells you to leave, pointing out that their career path makes them a much better judge what to do will not make you friends
I just heard a 350 lb guy with a stutter describe getting blood in his eye as he was shanking his cellmate and, more generally, how to survive as a white guy in jail.\n\nYou should really consider going to some AA meetings
I'm having an emotional breakdown watching baby sloths on YouTube you need to come save me from myself.
Do you remember doing synchronized hip thrusts to Michael Jackson? Probably one of my favorite parts of the night
I'm so high that hamburger just went up my nose. Mustard BURNS
Do u have any idea how hard it is to masturbate in a CVS bathroom when your name is being called over the speakers to pick up a prescription for painkillers?
It's scary that my vibrator is a dangerous weapon. I want a new one.
Well, if you do die, I'll bedazzle your coffin.
Randomize
