Gonna be late. Someone jumped in front of our train.
It must be a full moon weekend. All of my weird booty calls are coming out of the woodwork. I spent 40 minutes on the phone last night telling one why he is so creepy.
don't wear any deodorant. we have to do everything we can to sabotage this wedding
I'm driving behind a lime green VW that has "Seniors '10!" shoe polished on the rear window. i haven't even seen her yet, but I do have a boner.
This hangover is way worse than all my relationships
Last night I texted her to confirm she could start designing costumes for my show this week.
That is one convoluted booty call.
Just got offered to exchange moonshine for manscaping services by a gay guy. I'm gonna have the smoothest back in St. Louis county.
I haven't gotten it in awhile but since spring break is next week I'm willing to have a pregnancy scare if it means no bleeding through the suit
Yeah wouldn't want it to interfere with beach sex. Nothing should interfere with beach sex
That one dude should feel honored if he were to get herpes from you. Fuck that Guy. He is a herpe.
do you want me to tag you in the pics from the party?
Hmm. Use your judgment. Bootlicking pics are probably not ok. Otherwise fine.
After the 3rd time his brother walked in on us I asked "Does he ever knock?" his reply "This is his room"... Turns out he didn't even live there... I feel like a hoe.
No, it's ok. He's Greek. To him I'm just a light drinker, not an alcoholic.
I have got to move on from this "sleeping with every drug dealer I meet" phase.
I jizzed in his mayonnaise and put it back in the fridge. Shouldn't have stolen my weed.
Just finished 151. Eating nutella off a spoon. Bring condoms.
Randomize
