Just seen on a tshirt : "fake titties taste funny"
i love rice pilaf. whoever invented that i would give them a hug.
this episode of spongebob makes me wish crabby patties were real
I woke up naked in my own vomit. Not even in my bed. No one is happy.
What would you say if I got first degree burns on my nipples from drinking coffee topless?
What are the odds of finding the one hot Australian dude with erecile dysfunction?
Were playing bathroom attendees at the party and making people wash their hands
i made a dollar
He walked into my room in the middle of the night, whispered something about the patriot act, and took my tv.
He fell asleep and I'm awkwardly laying here because all I have to wear is my tutu. I'm pretty sure his roommate is going to be back soon so this should be fun. This is my life now. PS. the background of his phone is a picture of his hedgehog.
How do I politely say my vagina is not a chew toy and if you bite me again I will slap you?
You could say take it easy, whoa there, be gentle, anything that doesn't fully convey the horror.
it wasn't sex so much as.....a disastrously uncomfortable sexual experience
currently working on a look that screams, "I'm dead inside, but still trying to enjoy the ride"
Blowing lines in the bathroom and trying to get into the mindset of someone who wants to be at work for 12 hours
Google Maps needs to have a hungover setting. That bitch talks too loud and all I want is breakfast tacos & a bloody fucking mary.
CALL ME OLD FASHIONED BUT PEE IS FOR TOILETS
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