Nothing better then your mother meeting someone you randomly had sex with and him introducing himself as the guy who rocked her world once.
So we sucessfully lit our bathtub on fire. Thought you should know.
I think I've given more of my business cards to Chipotle trying to win free burritos than anyone else
I would give up sex for lent, but I think Jesus would understand that I went too long without it to go back now.
Omg!!!! Call me in the morning I just saw A stripper queef out a dollar
I just kept pointing at random people and telling the bartender to put it on their tab.
I kept trying to give you water and you kept spitting it back at me. You looked like a camel. People were staring
apparently the last bar didn't like my halloween costume with syringes filled with whiskey
my head feels like a yellow yolk spinning in a circle at the bottom of the bowl.. i may have a concussion, love auto correct
I broke my heels and ended up on a random party bus where I passed out after a brief stripper pole incident.
I SHOULD NOT BE HAVING AN EXISTENTIAL CRISIS OVER PIZZA
I don't think I have face palmed that many times in such a short period. And I've worked tech support.
Sorry about the Christmas balls dude. At the time I thought they were festive as fk but I see now I've just spent too much time on the internet
This is why I can't take dates to shows... I've literally made out with everyone in this band. And two of the guys in the crowd. And the bartender.
If you think I'm going to drive 5.5 hours just to bang a guy, you'd be absolutely right.
Randomize