just woke up. wallet empty. bottle empty. tattoo in pen on my arm. smell like bad sex. woke up alone. and wall-e is playing on my computer. need answers.
can you blame him?
i blame him for everything, HE GOT ME PREGNANT
Please return the baby Jesus and sheep to the quad
I just had to google "How do I get semen stains off of drywall." I'm relatively proud of this
I just called my cat a slut and she responded. Proudest moment ever.
you can't wake me up at 4am to suck your dick and then give me a high five at the bar
You call it a hangover, I call it a baby squirrel burrowing its way out of my head.
there is something about beer and popsicles that make the world go round
I'm sorry I did drugs then got really loud and bitchy at your party and judged your choice in one night stands.
THEY NOW HAVE MIXED DRINK EMOJIS! LIFE IS GOOD! PRINCESSES DON'T DRINK BEER
I think that's the first time Navy dress blues and a Ninja Turtles onesie have been involved in the same makeout.
can't believe I traded a good night's sleep and a midterm for your blurry tits
I just busted my piggy bank to afford McDonald's. This is my personal cry for help.
too bad I'd hit a car before I'd hit a bush.
Are we talking about jumping from windows or your willingness to fuck a car instead of a woman?
Nothing says I'm committed to you for all eternity like letting him wear crocs to the wedding
Randomize
