Currently looking for a new liver on ebay. Struggle.
Best friends brother. Beat that.
she just totaled her parents new car because there was a bee in the car. So she crashed into a light pole to kill it.
No, pictures of your dick will not make me feel better about my grandmother having a brain tumor.
Dude your neighbors are having a garage sale. They were judging me as I walk of shamed back to my car.
Pro: she asked me to be a bridesmaid. Con: i only have about nine months to get over a phobia of midget strippers.
stalking the twitter feeds of girls who have fucked my current fuck buddy makes me glad we use condoms
Mom just sent me an email. The subject line is "How to avoid a urinary tract infection"
LET IT GO MOM
We drank vodka and koolaid through a traffic cone. It got rowdy.
He told me he needed "space" but then goes and likes my insta of panacakes.. Done.
I am luring the porn star to my house with chicken!
I'm too drunk to remember your name. I'm too drunk to recall where i'm currently at. And i'm too drunk to give a shit.
I miss your drunken presence, and strong odor of hard liquor and potent weed.
I thought this boy told me to choke him, so I went all in. Turns out he really said “stroke.”
you have 10 seconds to explain why the toilet is full of bread or its ALL GOING ON YOUR BED.
Randomize
