Turn sideways at McDonald's = actual directions to a winery
Her cooch smelled like a combination of bacon and sweat.
Even after projectile vomiting watermelon on the beach, it still sounds appetizing.
The "puke-towel" started to grow something...
She walked in on her brother jacking off and she hasn't been the same since. She's been crying and shaking non-stop. It's been two weeks.
Why do i feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear?
We're not piercing ourselves today.
totally just stole a 24 pack straight out of the miller truck
I won't let penises inside me if you won't let tequila inside you, deal?
I told two kids in their homecoming outfits to use a condom because of Ebola. I may have saved a life last night
My guy issues hinge on tonight's game. Caps win, it's Dustin. Rangers win, Josh. I even flipped a coin to see who got what team
i wasnt sure i had a crush on her until i woke up this morning and saw i had googled fifteen variations of "lesbian marriage in estonia". where the fuck is estonia
Never let me go online shopping while drunk. I now own 2 baby cribs. I have no children
So, I've discovered that I'm approximately 70% nicer to my mother when I've had an orgasm in the last 48 hours. It's science.
got cock blocked by the cops again. two of the cops were the same ones from that t bell incident and they recognized me... they still dont like me
Randomize
