her dad's the mattress king, she's genetically engineered to be good in bed
Coffee is gods way of saying go ahead, get absolutly trashed on weeknights, I got your back
I am totally the chick from Intervention who barfs up wine and then re-eats it.
As I was leaving the drunk tank the cop told me he had a feeling we would be meeting again real soon.
they ran out of ice so they are using frozen shrimp in their drinks
We just passed a billboard that said to join "jerseydoesntstink.com" and literally 15 seconds later, we could smell jersey.
and she was grinding on the wall, purring at guys she liked at the pregame...
Want to FaceTime and watch me finish this bagel?
Ugh contemplating vodka and chocolate protein powder as this Capri sun and vodka isn't really cutting it
By the way I got my period today. No NHL babies for me.
Just accidentally flashed my junk to the lady helping me try on suits, it was cold in there, I don't think she was impressed.
Also a shrinking boner emoji would be helpful
I got really stoned and got my certification as an ordained minister. How productive has your day been?
Why did I wake up next to the fire pit? And who wrapped me up like a burrito?
Jägerbombs. Thank Sara.
Question: how does one descretely ask the ice cream truck driver thats out at 10:00pm if he sells weed?
Randomize
