I just overhead some girl saying that she's trying out for the real world so she has a backup if she doesn't get into teach for america...
there are seriously like six guinea pigs in my bathtub right now
She's thinkin about havin beer pong at her reception... She's walkin a fine line between trashy and the best idea ever
She stole my hamster. idk who she was, she just walked in and said she knew Keith so she stayed, drank 6 beers, and then stole Charles.
Isn't it statistically impossible for THAT many ugly people to be in one place at one time?
That penis you're staring at is the penis of heartbreak. Stay away. It will break your heart AND keep you away from other penises. BACK. OFF. THE PENIS.
She is banging on the liquor store door begging them to let her come in.
He fucked me so hard I had an asthma attack. I'm like the sickly poster child for celibacy.
Are you drunk? Because I am and if you're not, this may be very awkward in the morning
Thats for me to know and you to find out.
I hate it when the guy who runs the chicken and waffles truck is convinced that I run a cult.
that is the opposite of a normal text message.
Hey nothing wrong with those! I can't believe the guys who let me see where they live on first dates. Even more surprising, I don't stalk them after they've done me wrong.
I learned a very valuable lesson tonight...don't touch a cops tazer
He got the life proof phone case so he could jack off in the shower without his wife knowing
Well hell, he's gotta sleep in the bed he's made. Multiple times. For multiple girls I'm sure.
had to remind myself that killing him is not a good career move AGAIN.
Randomize
