my best friend tried to rape me with a pineapple
I just spent $27 on things to pee on.
I found a dealer that takes plastic. I'm so in trouble.
I took the chef home. His dick even tasted like garlic
Hes still mad that I left the room mid-hookup to go get a pickle from the fridge.
My neighbor just watched me eat a granola bar without pants, this is a whole new level of unemployed
She gave me a handjob at the dinner table while her dad was carving the turkey. I made eye contact with him. Im pretty sure he knew.
I finally got out of bed at 8:30pm and my little brother informed me that I had cereal stuck to my back. I'm going to smoke a cigarette and go back to sleep.
Then you bent down and whispered, "excuse me mr. Stair, could you please stop moving?"
If it was any colder outside, the frost from my breath would make a mixed drink
Bored of what? I stayed up all night researching sex toys because I'm excited to do things with you that I haven't done in 29 years of having a body.
FUCK YOU VODKA I'M TRYING TO ADULT RIGHT NOW
The highlight of my night will be digging in other people's garbage
Chick in the kitchen making breakfast.. Yours or mine?
He may not be good for my soul but he’s great for my vagina!
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