the only thing i have to deal with now is the fact that i'm still wearing spandex shorts from last night
No matter how fun it seemed the night before you will always regret taking those pictures, you will always regret eating as much as you did, but you will never regret the great lengths you had to got to get those bruises.
If one more "stranger" walks up to me at the bar and asks how I have been, I am going to rehab.
Were playing bathroom attendees at the party and making people wash their hands
i made a dollar
I need the number of a restaurant that delivers, has lock-picking abilities, and is okay with full frontal male nudity. Entirely too hungover to get out of bed.
Can't promise anything, there's vodka in my thermos
I drunken agreed to go wedding dress shopping with a stranger at the bar yesterday. She sent me an email asking what days I am free.
I want to buy her liposuction. And a spot on What Not To Wear. And a face transplant.
I am pretty sure they consider me one of the "bros". They compliment girl's racks to me and are the human forms of dick-be-gone. They won't sleep with me more than once cause it's "weird", or let any "untrustworthy boys" sleep with me and I still help them get laid. Not...fair...
I'm currently on a bowling date with my girlfriend and her boyfriend. It's pretty fun.
What is the proper Father's Day protocol when you're sleeping with a guy who has kids?
I can't believe my vagina just got wished happy new year
I'm pretty sure my calc professer is on coke. He's just too excited for this to be an 8am class.
When my card got declined you bought the vibrator without me even asking. This is what friendship is.
If history is any guide, his morals are no match for my tits
Randomize
