My girlfriend went down on me and as she did she hummed the theme from star wars and pretended my dick was a lightsaber...I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
I've heard semen is good for your skin though, so that pimple on my chin should clear right up.
oh no you fucking didn't eat my mac and cheese you cunt
I just remembered yelling "they're gonna let me be a lawyer! Me! Why would they do that?"
We shouldn"t be alone together
you didn"t say that yesterday
you weren't married yesterday
we're on our way back. she tried to pants the waiter again.
Oh by the way, john gave me your shirt to return to you when I was at work today. I almost gave him his girlfriends underwear to return to her but figured it would be inappropriate.
I drove two hours just to throw up on myself today at the beach. My family saw the whole thing and my younger cousin cried
Did you seriously just hashtag my sex life as #yolo2013?
But seriously I don't know. I haven't seen her since I gave her back her 3 blind mice stick, and she just started hitting everybody with it.
When your job has killed your spirit to the point that you don't want to flirt with the cute, tall guy at Enterprise
GIRL PLEASE. GO BACK AND POP THE TITTY OUT
Can I just go naked and covered in glitter?
You tried to lick the lightbulb and fell off of the chair onto my wife and gave her a concussion. Did i mention you were naked?
I just smoked weed out of a tomahawk, then chased an armadillo with said tomahawk, I love my life.
We hooked up and he sent me home with a plant and skittles lmao
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