i have a girlfriend
if you're drunk do you have a girlfriend?
no
please don't let me die tonight
what have you done for me lately?
my mom just told me its unladylike to have toothpaste stains on my clothes all the time.. if she only knew.
So two questions...why am I covered in muffins and are there pictures of this.
you kept telling everyone how your ninja turtle shell also functioned as a backpack
Hey! I was tired. I threw up in two parking lots yesterday.
If eating a cheesesteak naked doesn't make me feel better, then I don't know what will.
Just told my mom I need money for Molly. She was not happy
How does she have a hairless cat and a husband it's not fair. Both are hard to come by
Last nights hook up turn into a star wars history lesson.. He's luck y he's pretty..
"Being an adult" and "being happy" are two circles that do not overlap in my Venn diagram of life.
ps. i have two very important words to sum up my night
which are?
library sex.
I sent her a video on Snapchat of me cumming, with a Father's Day snap filter that said "#1 Dad".
All I fucking want right now is a cheeseburger the size of my face
This is the most exciting thing since movie theater hand jobs
Randomize