dude, i look like john mccains neck right now
My mom gets in bar fights. She doesn't go to bed early.
I went to the gynecologist and they said, "you're the most fun person we've ever had," and i thought, "that's exactly why i'm here!"
The guy in the library beside me just whipped out an entire loaf of bread, a knife and a container of peanut butter and is proceeding to make multiple sandwiches.
he rubbed his balls on my face to wake me up.. this friends with benefits thing is getting out of hand.
He was sleeping, but the way he was made him look like an adorable, fuzzy penis
Don't you realize there's more to life than sex and pizza rolls?
All I want is a camelback full of Jameson and the weather to be cool enough for me to wear rainbow spandex. Ugh. Pride problems.
He had a tramp stamp of his own phone number. You can't tell me that isn't smart.
I watched you fall asleep, sitting up, eating a cinnamon roll. You proceeded to wake up...smile at your cinnamon roll, ask it how it got into your hand and then began eating it again. You asked me if you were ridiculous last night, define ridiculous.
his finger was half off and he was more concerned that he wasnt at home shooting cucumbers out of his potato gun.
Highlight of the weekend: getting roundhouse kicked in the dick while switching from reverse cowgirl.
I really need to stop sending pussy pics if I'm going to be running for state representative in November
He found out about your side hoe and still helped you try to find a lizard that got in the house
like honestly, the vodka had to go somewhere, and your moms soap dispenser just seemed right at the time..
Randomize
