i just spit dirty mouth water on my dentist. and apparently grinning sheepishly and saying "my b" doesn't make it better
broke, out of weed, out of gas, out of food, and my gf just left me.
you're writing country songs now?
I seriously need to stop naming my lingerie sets after the boys I wear them for. I seriously just asked mom if she put Brett in the dryer
I say that when we get our grades back we're making a drinking game out of it.
It's alright she couldn't hear you. Her legs were over her ears
It was like good, clean fun, but with bodyshots.
I legit had to pull him off my car. Then he texted me saying 'take me places.' Shotgun getting that drunk tonight
Also I climbed atop a mailbox with a toilet paper hat and a wolverine claw made of glowsticks, screaming at passers-by that they were going to die. Control me
Come on, without my personality, I'm a pretty good one night stand.
As your attorney I advise you to rage rapidly
I feel like if tampons weren't meant to be microwaved, they'd have a warning on the box, so we should be okay...
Is it too early in the day to be getting dressed for the strip club?
Had a slight melanoma scare this morning. Spoiler alert, it was Nutella.
Yeah. I hurt his pride. But he's not over it. And by it I mean me.
All three of the bartenders here have screwed my boss, so he's definitely gay. Unfortunately for you he seems to have a type and you're not it.
Randomize
