you kept trying to make scrambled eggs with 3 hardboiled ones.
I left my toothbrush at her house. This is getting way too serious for me.
He measures volume by how much weed he can put in it and surface area by how many people can have sex in it.
I'm drinkin whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
She just left after she spent the past 2.5 hours fuckin the shit out of me. I'll put that in the logbook as a cross country
I'd be surprised if he had a problem with boundaries after helicoptering his penis in front of you
i'm duct taped to my bed with a condom in my hand. something went wrong
Lol I just left. He's funny and he's cute. Downside: he thinks he can outdrink us
Was it a good night or a bad night when you have to apologize to someone the next day for trying to fuck them with a turtle?
Seriously, do normal people actually get work done being this hungover? No wonder the economy's in the shitter
Can I just say that you're probably one of my favorite people to have sex with and then eat hummus with at 3:45am?
Aaaaaaaand dick pic. God bless america, and god bless tinder.
My liver is fucking rocky. Get knocked down 7 times and gets up 8. World champ
I feel like the first time i have to use my accident insurance its going to be in some sex mishap with you.
Did I see you at the bar last night?
Yes. You just kept grabbing my boobs and saying how much better they are than yours...
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