I wana party with Kermit the frog, no wait. Fozzy the bear. He's probably a silly bitch when he's drunk.
I just heard someone say "gosh-darnit" and they didn't have a southern twang. I worry for New York.
And as far as being fat goes I just did like 20 minutes of p90x and now i'm eating frosting out of the container....
The only people who have said happy valentines day to me today have been 2 homeless people.
Ugh I need to clean my floors/walls/ I actually don't understand why boys get drunk and pee on things
Next time one of us has a party everybody has to wear a diaper. But actually you just need a shit ton of disinfectant wipes and maybe a hazmat suit.
I think all the stress in my life right now can be directly correlated with never winning a game of Bop It as a child.
This is my gift to your gina
I'd like to thank you for ensuring I didn't die. Id also like to show you the most impressive bruise you will perhaps ever see
AND I NEED A VIKING FUNERAL OR MY GHOST ASS WILL SAUNTER ON OVER AND CASTRATE HIM FOR TECHNICALLY MURDERING ME
I think I had Hypothermia but was too drunk to notice.
I don't want to spend an inordinate amount of time with you, I want to have sex with you. Duhhhhhh.
Last night I actually told him I came with a washer and dryer
I've been drunk texting you for weeks, and you watched me puke outside your house... I say it's time we meet in person.
I've realized that my life is a cycle of high that is only broken by sobering up at work, which only happens because I can't smoke more
Listen gotta draw the line somewhere. Apparently that line is at my nuts.
Randomize
