Microwaved placenta is very unpleasant.
i just ate that cheese stick that was in my purse from last night.
well hello there hangover. fancy meeting you here on this BRIGHT thursday morning.
was it you or me who tried to make the, what appears to be, nacho cake in the oven?
Going to have to start putting down newspaper if puking the bed is going to be a habit
He was going down on me and raised up for a minute, slipped and punched me in the face. My lady boner left immediately.
My dick hurts from so many people grabbing it last night. We're not going back to that club
If the Cards come back I will fly to St Louis and shit in a very public place.
It's either gonna be a cock in my mouth or a burger. You decide which.
Impromptu road trip to New Orleans for four days of Mardi Gras. I'll probably be alive and back for Valentine's Day plans, probably won't stick my dick in some random either-might be using my free pass you cheating asshat. Love you. Expect random texts & probably a drunk dial or twelve. You did this to yourself. You're not invited so don't bother. Have fun at work.
It's days like today, when my bra and underwear match, that make me feel like I'm getting my life together...
Your face; I've seen enough of it for today. Go away now please.
you kept shouting 'jesus penis' when i was on the phone with 911
She's nice. But even when I am with her I am thinking of her mom, literally the hottest woman on earth.
I've started recycling nudes. Why should I take new pictures for every single man?
Randomize
