and the officer said have you been drinking
and i said NOO SIR.
and he said, I am a woman.
best part he said "i like your tattoo" as he walked into the room, stood right there looking at me, naked on top of his friend
its like the voldemort of pregnancies, we don't talk about it
Last night I ate parmesan cheese straight out of the container while watching Chelsea Lately. Look at what happens to me when you leave.
just went to my meeting with last nights make up still on, not wearing a bra, and the 14 shot tallies still on my wrist.. My advisor's questions should be answered as to why I'm not in my major yet.
Just gave a gay guy pointers on how to make anal not hurt. Reevaluation of life choices: in progress.
I have so much boob sweat I could bathe a baby
Omfg amy I'm not kidding you I think a blow job is what landed me in the hospital
So glad I decided to show up and puke in your trashcan.
These are the moments that bond souls forever.
By the way, do you realize that you asked me how much you could get for your eggs last night. And once you learned the price said that you had plenty to share.
Stop touching yourself.
Wtf!?!?!?! Did you install a camera???
I'm actually kind of scared about the prospect of us living together. We're just going to eat pizza and drink wine before retiring to our rooms with vibrators
Nothing has ever been more true. Ever.
Hey bro are you still alive??? I'm sure you are wondering how you ended up laying on the floor at the foot of your bed and why there is a wheelchair by your door....
Um, just removed my insulin from the fridge so that I could fit our case in there. Tell me, who has their priorities straight? THIS GIRL.
like sometimes I wish I was allergic to latex so I wouldn't have sex with so many people..
Randomize
