I just gift wrapped bread.
Isn't that the only thing she's good at? Complaining and blow jobs?
So what do you think the policy is on vomit in rental cars? do I have to clean that up or is that part of the service I'm paying for?
there are chunks of pepperoni under the sheets. can you be here in 10? breakfast in bed?
Right. Will do. I'll call you if I need a ride. (that is a double meaning, go with it.)
I chugged that bitch with a dip in.
You somehow managed to be a man whilst drinking a Mike's Hard. I commend you.
I consider any night I don't make out with someone a bad night. So I've been great.
Nothing says I love you as your fiancé bringing back home your drunk brother from his own stag party
I ate breakfast with him. And by ate breakfast I mean we fucked on the kitchen table.
Please tell me that I didn't call you to say I was swimming in outter space
I'm drunk filing my taxes in a bar on a Monday afternoon in a Regular Show onesie. I think I'm starting to get the hang of this whole adult thing.
I just made my dating life into my own game show. would you like to meet the contestants? (photos not included)
My inner 10 year old alcoholic is intrigued.
I aimed for bossy but it came out slutty
I have mystery bruises on my right knee, right arm, under my chin, and on my forehead. What the fuck happened last night??
Randomize
