Heard at work: Get out of my face before I cuntpunch you so hard your granddaughters have miscarriages. I love my job.
I'm moving there. Get me hired.
so my phone accidentally called my dad from my purse at 2:14am....he has a 5 min voicemail of me discussing how Alicia should bang the guy who eats good pussy... i can never look at my dad in the face again....
we better have passed that bar exam - i dont want to have to drink like this again
It's shedding
I told you penises don't tan
i wrote her a fucking poem. i better get laid for that
new girl just came onto the hall stumbling drunk with no shoes on and the guy who brought her doesn't have them either
the last thing i remember saying is "hope you like body hair"
He probably smells like baby powder and sexual identity crisis.
He's pretty cool once you ignore the fact that he's trying to get into your pants
Someone brought brownies to work and I was skeptical to eat one then I remembered I was at work and there is no way there is weed in them. Haha I'm blaming you for that.
my mom tried to talk to me about my drinking, i somehow turned it around on her, now shes going to AA and I'm going to the bar.
We had sex on a dog bed..
I can count on one hand the number of good things that happened over the past year.
I gave your mom a discount on her coffee, its my way to say thanks for having a son that makes me come every time
I guess I called her at 2am, demanding that she bring us food. She told us to order pizza, and I yelled "DON'T MENTION PIZZA!" I recall nothing.
Randomize
