I hate cats. They're so curious, it's not their damn business.
i just walked by a road side game of beer pong? it's gonna be a long day
I may or may not be taking a bath listening to the Phantom of the Opera. This lovely moment brought to you by xanax.
Don't make fun of the drunk girl eating bread out of her pockets. I've been that girl.
I couldn't figure out her damn button fly jeans... IM NOT A FUCKING ENGINEER
I took the weekend off because he and I were supposed to go to Vegas for our anniversary and get a hooker remember?
Ah, yes. Who says romance is dead?
Seriously? You DON'T remember putting all those Swedish fish in the waffle iron b/c you wanted "One big Swedish fish?" That waffle iron was a wedding gift.
I just watched Matt try to put on a pillowcase thinking it was a t-shirt.
I like using largw condoms because they are more comfortable but also I feel bad because it's like false advertisement
I'll give you some choices for what to get me for Christmas. 1.You naked. 2.You naked 3.You naked.
You do realize he's just an extension of his penis, right?
You were throwing up into a trash can full of used condoms. I had to intervine.
I'm tired of you and your emotional constipation. WHY DO YOU CLOSE YOUR EYES WHEN WE MAKE LOVE!?
Kinda thinking about going to my moms wedding high
So, I can officially cross "getting eaten out in a church confession booth" off my bucket list.
Randomize
