I think your x's eyes are broken his new girl is so hit
he just looked at me and whispered "these are my sea lions. my sea lions." and then went back to licking the mirror
Thank you for getting us into that car accident. I have had more guys hit on me than ever before because of my broken fingers.
It was all going great until he pulled the hamburger meat out of his pocket
I'm not sure what happened last night but I woke up next to him and I was wearing nothing but my grandpa's diabetic socks, so I'm letting that fill in the blanks.
Highlight of the night was you walking into the men's room yelling "My husband is diabetic" and crawling under the stall to yell at me.
You kept mumbling that you could become one with the carpet as you proceeded to give yourself the worst carpet burn I have ever seen
I think I reached some stage of aging, have a sore/injured shoulder from sex, next up carpal tunnel from sexting.
ever had one of those days where you say fuck it and lick the inside of a bag of chips
I called him a "Beautiful Bastard" with "Beautiful Bastard Hair". That is how you pick up a guy from Denmark.
Pretty sure when I woke up the next morning we were still fucking. It just didn't stop.
I'm gonna play eenie meenie at the bar tonight because it's women's day and I deserve the dick
FYI telling a guy that you're glad his dick isn't big after giving him a bj, is NOT a compliment.
Not to make this awkward, but if we ever have sex (perhaps drunkenly), all i'm gonna be able to think about is how sexy our kids would be.
You call it sex. I call it penis conditioning.
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