so apparently telling her she could shit easier and therefore lose weight faster wasn't the best arguement for getting anal.
He was from Iceland of course I didnt sleep with him, havent you seen Mighty Ducks 2???
he had a sign stolen from the tennis court hanging above his bed that said, "please limit play to one hour while others are waiting"
Just had a nice conversation with my landlord while cleaning your puke off my car
He's a Shit stain on my heart
Number of twigs I found in my hair: 5
It's that time of night again when I start to think I'm really funny, but no one else is as drunk as I am so they all start avoiding me.
He asked if I had feelings for him while I was lying naked on the floor vomiting into a trashcan as he held my hair and fed me Pringles.
Ever wonder what all the drugs you've ever done would look like put together?
Heaven. . It would look like heaven
In hindsight, drunkenly yelling "I'M TICKLISH" might not have been an entirely wise decision
Never start off a conversation with "speaking of STD's..."
I thought if I bought the most expensive pregnancy test I would look like I had my life together
He's a cop. Do you know how many times I've said fuck the police? This is my chance. I'm taking it.
If youre worried about being stabbed, you probably shouldnt be there.
It's not my fault I make her feel like a Taylor Swift album
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