If that was your dad, he is hot
All the good ones are taken. All that's left is the Harry Potter geek or the asshole in the corner. I think I'll settle for Harry Potter.
All I know is it had something to do with a plunger and tuna salad. I'm done. I'm quitting my job.
My professor just suggested making the state of the union more interesting by turning it into a drinking game. Brilliant!!
I still think it's messed up that you're naming your kids after all the guys you slept with in college
He said he has something to give me... I swear to God if it's a joint or a framed picture of his penis i'm going to kill him
Not drinking has really freed up a lot of my time. I made a bracelet yesterday. I miss bars.
The kind of drunk where you put two tampons in thinking that it'll last me longer ...
Oh! You were the one walking around cradling the bottle of Fireball all night!
Nothing like waking up and having two guys who aren't your boyfriend talk to you about their hard dicks before 9 am.
Don’t fucking talk to that dude from monday!! Ethical consumption dude, don’t fuck shitty guys
Dude, some chick came over here earlier and thought my lube was hand sanitizer. She poured it all over her hands.
Just made a drug contact standing in the sandwich line in the dining hall. Is this real life?
You're my fucking hero.
Did you make it home alright?
No I'm sitting under a tree by a cricket. He's alone crying out for someone to Fuck him. This guy gets me.
If I have put a neon “vacancy” sign on my skirt for him to get the picture I will.
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