If a guy called my cleavage "mesmerizing" but is kinda related to me, does it still count?
I thought if I stared at him long enough he'd walk me to my car. but he didn't. he dddidn't. i rreally thought i had those powers.
i just threw up in front of the washington monument. such a scenic puke.
we were like drunken butterflies among sober caterpillars,
All I remember is yelling RUN as fireworks started going off in the kitchen. Who said that was a bad idea?
If I EVER wake up with two black eyes again you better come up with a better story than trying to see how many punches I could take.
The only responsible thing ive done in vegas is shower and that was onky to clean vomit off me
I'm instituting a new rule. If you wake me up at 3am about wrinkled blankets, I get to throat punch you
My Instagram consists mostly of drag queens and people who dress up as power rangers... I'm pretty sure I'm an unclassified category of gay
Oh please not the Easy Cheese again. That was weird.
Reading old FB posts. Why did I ever stop drinking?
We ended up on their roof with our pants around our ankles shotgunning beers at one point.
I went to a party last night....I stole all of their ornaments and the toaster oven.
i feel like a cleansing fire is the only way to purify the house
Who the fresh hell put 2 pillows a raincoat and a guitar on top of me to keep me warm last night
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