I was the only open register tonight and I just sold condoms and chocolate frosting to the ex..
Imagine if sharks could walk on land...scary.
we were wasted and he didn't have a condom so he called the front desk and asked for one. They didn't "officially" have them but the night manager happened to have one in his wallet. He brought it to the room with two mints.
you knoww youre high when you are just as concerned as the contestants on ultimate cake off as they move their 250 lbs cake over the ramp
taking a shot every time they compare curling to a real sport
I was eating her out when she coughed, I just swallowed a bright red blood clot
Note to self: never do anything I don't want to explain to a paramedic
She made me take my shoes off outside her room but she didn't make me wear a condom. I am confused.
A 40 year old man just put his hands on my thighs and said in these exact words "you're so beautiful and gorgeous and innocent. But life sucks and you'll probably turn into a whore."
I bought him bourbon as a thank you for his apology. What is wrong with me?
But you put your finger in my ass and the rest is history
He couldn't give me an orgasm, but he did give me a UTI.
I never thought my gollum impression would lead to me getting laid.
Huzzah!
You still owe me one bodily function mess clean up.
You pee on the floor one time and you never hear the end of it...
It true. It written in the Bible.
Yes I remember that, right next to the passage where jesus said unto his disciples, pop molly, fuck bitches amen
Randomize
