I might be drunk enough to make out with you. You don't want to miss this unique opportunity.
i just realized Britney Spears and I are more alike than I thought. Both of us have our parents in complete control of our lives, we both have restraining orders on previous boyfriends, and we all know both of us can put on a hell of a show
I woke up this morning and was hoping we drank enough last night to have a unicorn drawn on my wrist. Good News: We did.
my boss just made his own remix to aaron carter's i want candy. i cant decide if its the funniest or most embarrassing thing ive seen
First rule of pills: If you can't remember what it is, take half.
three words: i give head
three words: not that well
3 girls crying in the bathroom at the bar. Its like a Christmas song
You handed me a red solo cup filled with vodka and Bacon. You called it the salty Russian.
Dude. I might have just seen some porn i wasnt ready to see. The chicks were so old.
Jasmine is diving into bushes again.
why can't I meet attractive men at the places I like to hang out? like books a million. or the liquor store.
I can feel your movements against the shared wall we are leaning up against. It makes me feel as though we are one. Queue Pocahontas song...
The sun is out, the birds are chirping, I made some brownies, I'm not pregnant
This is literally what my 13-year old cousin said to me this morning.
Amazon is not showing any promising results for penis tree toppers and I am genuinely surprised. Clearly this is a market that needs to be addressed.
I'm making a sandwich topless right now. Remind me again why I don't have a boyfriend?
Randomize
