I can only masturbate in one position. It's very inconvenient.
My professor really needs to stop abbreviating. I'll never remember what "Fun. Anal. Trade-offs?" means when i study.
This bar is like a mediocre whore house....but free
I got drunk and smashed his tv with the keg and so he blames me for being evicted.
First of all...stop making excuses. Second of all...Fuck the surgeon generals warning
You just kept saying "they don't make cigarettes for squirrels. Yet."
He was taking the condom off and he turns to me and says, "You know how snakes can shed their skin?"
Single person behavior: I wanted a cookie but was too lazy to make or go buy any, so I let cookie dough ice cream melt and ate all the chunks. Pantsless.
I think she's going to be dangerous to drink with, but I'm ready for the adventure.
That stripper was not happy when I tried putting a dollar in her court mandated ankle bracket/tracking device
Look on the bright side: Now that I'm sleeping with both the exs it's good bye to drunk sexting the 'wrong one'.
I ate the most amazing corn dog today.
I will probably dream about it.
Who doesnt want to be Yoda? I mean seriously, how sweet would that be? Live to 400, not give a shit about love and all that, know fucking mind tricks and smoke awesome swamp weed. I'm down.
His chest is so hairy i want to pet it with my nipples.
just licked whipped cream off some model's nipple... just coming clean for when the pic gets on instagram because i am not untagging that shit
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