Spencer Pratt, I WILL beat the shit out of you someday, I Promise
i'm surrounded by gay midgets. not sure if i'm bragging or asking you to come rescue me. wait for follow up.
I've seriously contemplated telling him the baby isn't his just so I can meet Maury Povich
it was only during my walk of shame that i realized i was wearing the exact same outfit that julia roberts wears on the dvd cover or pretty woman. prostitution is my destiny.
For future reference, a lint roller appears to be the easiest way to get glitter out of a beard.
Dude just bought condoms some sad fuck next to me buying a pregnancy test he gave me a look like he'd pay me millions to switch places
Just heard an advertisement for 40 proof chocolate milk. We may never have to grow up
I can already almost taste penis in my mouth
Hurry up and get here I'm judging myself
You sprinted into the side of a parked car
If you're ever desperate for a guy's #, ask him to call your lost cell phone so you can find it. Some genius used that on me last night. FML
Omg the sex was so good my ears popped. Thank god too. Cause then I didn't have to hear him going on and on about his dumbass feelings. It's called a booty call bitch.
I'm not fucking any of these fools. But if they want to buy me Olive Garden, that's their business.
dude. i woke up on a random lawn wearing only my boxers, with all my clothes hung in the branches of a nearby tree... no more shrooms
He woke me with blue berry pancakes and a blow job. He's a keeper.
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