I want to be a jewelry store heckler. "Hey man, is she really worth it"
as evidence of my kitchen this morning my night involved alot of mustard and condoms
last night this guy was hitting on me by showing me the famous people he had in his contacts on his cell... when he asked me if i knew lindsay lohan, i said "whose that? sounds asian"
She never called back. Financed a fleshlight.
Sitting on the floor in my kitchen eating taquitos. Being this drunk the next day has lost its allure post graduation.
hot doctor. gonna get him to touch my tits. 'think i felt a lump' excuse in 3-2-1...
the fire alarm went off. we werent sure whether to leave or turn the music up louder
I can't believe you broke a Paula dean wooden spoon over my ass
the ladder is at the bottom of the pool
All I I know is that there's 2 new contacts in my phone. Drunk Backdoor and Gayass Handshake. Thanks, Jameson.
He called himself Jesus all night but I'm not sure if that's his real name or not
Gays age differently than straights. 29 is like 45 in gay years. Next year I'll be in adult diapers and applying for medicaid.
...and that's why girls with IBS don't paint their nails
Like, when both of your dads are drag queens you're bound to have some amazing Halloween makeup
Like if I exploded right now there would be cum and fajitas everywhere.
Randomize
