I puked while I was brushing my teeth this morning and had to get a new tbrush
Ew, did you brush them again?
Yeah but i puked on the new one and decided to give up...failure
He better hope I dont die soon. Because I would haunt his bitch ass and cock block 24/7
I wish my grandma would stop using the phrase "he pulled out" when she's talking about her contractor quitting his job.
Just saw a cop issuing a DUI. At 3 pm. It's definitely the start of winter break.
It was like watching Stephen Hawking try to swim.
I want a nosebag of coke after my exam. Like what horses have. Coked up horses. No excuses. I love you.
My new hangover cure is going for a haircut, just so the stylists give me a scalp massage during the shampoo.
That certainly explains the nine times your hair has looked different just this last month alone.
No but I was fuckin done when I realized my acrylic nail caught fire when I was hitting the bong.
To confirm, you are a grown ass man and you just asked me what her vag looked like.
So this is what it's like to wake up with someone else's blood in your nose...
I tried to put my heels in the coat check
I need to thank someone for this kid's penis.
I'm just gonna ride this ego train to sex town
WHAT KIND OF DEALER ONLY WORKS FRI-SUN???
Ours, apparently.
Why is this not the first time I’ve seen the mugshot of someone I’ve slept with
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