I thought Christmas was going to come before I did
I don't know how to tell my mom that I'm not sober enough to drive to the dentist...
we just stared at taco bell's menu on the website for 2 hours
They had a "who can aim further away from the toilet" contest. I'm now washing piss off my ceiling.
I just woke up naked clutching a Taco Bell bag.
hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking if you had a pulse
Found a fruit roll up in my pocket this morning. This means my daughter has a peach blunt wrap in her lunchbox.
The feeling are messing with the penis
I guess I look like the kind of girl who would buy edible, weed-infused lube.
We dated for a month and a half. he didn't like blow jobs. I honestly don't think he was human.
Dude, if that was the MLB player I think it was leaving your bedroom this morning please tell me you got his autograph. It could pay the rent for like six months.
Our lives are a motherfucking joke
Dave is getting a lap dance to the venga boys
this is not a drill
I am drunk at 8am listening to Cyndi Lauper and dressed up in a penguin suit
He lit my hand on fire and bought me chicken nuggets. I'm in love.
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