The sign in front of ihop says "designated drivers get half off their order"
he opened up his "box of magic": a crusty tube of KY jelly, three expired condoms, a fingertip vibrater, and a jar of marshmallow fluff.
how did he go about obtaining bull sperm?
i just remember sitting on this bed, naked, STILL WITH A CONDOM ON, and suddenly these random girls were in the room shouting at me
When you awake you'll realize that your car is missing....just know that I had it and becuz of your car I hooked up with the hot bar tender that looks like that guy from bay-watch however I parked it in a loading zone and it was towed...that sex was TOTALLY worth it love you
You could probably play six degrees of separation of my cock in this city.
Fucked Zombie Jesus at a Halloween party. I need Plan B before I give birth to the Antichrist.
You had your dick do your apologizing for you last night. Apology accepted.
Taco Bell. She just parked, got out of the car mid drive-thru, ran to the dumpsters, pissed, then ran back and drove up in the line.
There two guys dressed as FEMA workers with jump-suits that say "Post-Disaster Breast Examination Division"
I text him "Dude. Tryna get fucked here. I only have half the parts. I need your help" I'm sure my mom would be super proud of the woman I have become.
Just drug him and when he wakes up say "You just woke up from a coma, we've been married for 5 years." It'll be like The Vow but fucked up.
He just kept mumbling that he was too drunk for society and then he peed in a bush
You threw up everything but your ovaries.
The underwear in the garbage is clean. Just wipe the pizza sauce off
Randomize
