So, someone in Olympia stole my credit card # last week and bought a platypus vibrator with it. That’s it.
I want to dip my vagina in sugar. Not only will it be sweet, but it will have a nice sparkle.
she went home with me because she said i reminded her of paul rudd. remind me to thank him for his awkwardness
FYI you just passed out mid-blow job. Consider this my letter of resignation.
I don't know what the fuck is in the water in New Hampshire, but these dicks are HUGE.
Please tell me I did not ask the bartender how big his dick was.
i just woke up reverse cowgirl on my couch. fully clothed. my laptop is on the floor sideways. blasting gay porn and lady gaga. pizza crust everywhere. goodmorning.
Juss got out of jail; shes still in there tryin to sing her abc's backwards bc the cops neva asked her too... Whebever she gets to t she starts singin the tequilla song
I heard that clinking noise from behind me and I already knew you were whipping out a Smirnoff in class. Again.
Last night I was just holding this kitten up to my face for like ten minutes telling it that it couldn't be real
YOUR TO-DO SEX LIST CANNOT CONSIST ENTIRELY OF MY THREE BEST FRIENDS
and their significant others
AND THEIR SIGNIFICANT OTHERS
Thanks for having me over last night. Sorry I licked rum off your kitchen floor.
Wearing my one sleeve dress...thought you'd like to know I shaved ONE armpit lol
He wanted to take me to breakfast in the morning. He told me he respects me after I said no. I told him to respect me at a distance.
i made that whipped coffee shit today. took six pouches of instant espresso.
please tell me you didn’t consume six shots of espresso
:)
i can feel colors
Randomize
