he emptied an entire bag of goldfish onto the bed and rolled around yelling the theme to jaws trying to eat them
I told her she can't come to our bonfire because she throws up on herself & she has a mustache. And now apparently I'm a bitch or something.
She had one of those kid princess beds. I asked how she expected to fuck on that and she just said "thats what the slide is for". I've never wanted to marry a one night stand before.
Mitt romney looks like a fantastic lover (full disclorsure: im 76% vodka right now)
Im the proud new owner of the campus speed bump sign
How do I tell her I need the lights out when I'm getting head because she and my mom share a perm color
I'm holding onto the sink for dear life. Pretty sure if Iet go I'll turn into a shit propelled man rocket.
I asked my boss to leave early for a booty call. She said yes. See.... everyone sees it's important I get laid.
I'm going to need a Jurassic park sized pooper scooper to deal with all this shit last night caused.
I feel like these arent even my fingers anymore
Like my new perfume? It's a combination of Fireball, sex and bad decisions.
Is it totally terrible that I just signed up for classes and already found the guy I'm going to bang??
What's the best way to tell someone that I accidentally wound up in a gay harem?
There's a rash on my genitals that would like a word with you.
Accent: check. Hot body: check. 8" dick: check. Feeds me biscuits in bed after rampant sex: check. Should I continue with my "Why I'm not coming back to the States" List?
Randomize
