Ugh I have so many sins to confess tmw at church, you just made me think of many more I've made on that street alone
Tonight, I'm planning on being a bigger trainwreck than Britney Spears circa 2007.
We should steal a little kid and go to Chucke Cheese
Fighting the police is like screwing a fat girl, if I'm drunk enough I'll do it
I'm pretty sure you're not supposed to hit on someone with another guy's semen in your hair. not even at ihop.
A DRUNK EMT IS BETTER THAN NO EMT!!!
He said you stopped mid-fuck, called fives on his dick, walked out to grab another drink, and came back.
She told me about it right after. She said she was scared I would be disappointed. And I was, but I pretended not to be. Which pretty much sums up our relationship.
Bring scissors.....i think im gonna have to be cut out of this damn jockstrap
I told him if he wanted to lose weight he had to learn self control. Less than ten minutes after that I ate a cookie off the floor...
Well, it's a fine line between people-watching and boob-staring. It's a gray area. But we're in Paris. Let's leave it at that.
Did you put Dave Matthews band on the playlist? It's really hard to funnel when "Crash Into Me" kicks in.
I just bumped into this random I hooked up with a few years ago at Steve's party. Talk about a fingerblast from the past!
She woke up, peed in the sink and then passed out again, it's only 2 in the afternoon
I’ve chosen to watch a Mercedes station wagon drive around the Austrian in the rain because it’s live sports. If that doesn’t explain 2020, I don’t know what does.
Randomize
