I wish there was an iPhone app to help you with your shitty personality.
I just saw a guy masturbating vigorously at the bus stop across from del taco at 2:30am...im pretty sure he wasn't even homeless
I'm at a Rock of Love themed party. New high? New low? I can't tell.
Wait. Scratch that. It's not themed. These girls are just sluts.
it feels like theres a golf ball between my legs. the sex was totally worth it tho.
This morning I proved to myself and all the kids on the playground that I can't puke and drive.
I'm afraid you are becoming too bourgeois with your switch from boxed wine to bottled.
Giving my coworkers lap dances cuz it was my turn to decide our team bonding exercise. Go happy hour!
I refrained from asking a guy what he spilled on his dick because it smelled good. Morals.
It's called being normal.
Just got back from the tanning beds. I'm a lobster. I fear for the safety of my nipples falling off.
I don't believe in coincidence. I believe in the stars aligning perfectly to sodomise me in public. Who ever said I was cynical?
I just got a lap dance from a kid in the coconut bra... So not drunk enough for this.
All of my friends are talking about changing their lives because they have an alcohol addiction and I'm over here reminding my boss that it's national beer day.
I'll just go on tinder. Seeking strong male to help take apart ikea furniture and move. I'll touch your dick.
By the way, you totally deserve "i got a job sex".
Guess who won a basket of sex toys in front of his parents, aunts, uncles, sister, and cousin...
Randomize
