I have a great idea. you just need to get pregnant.
Mother, no, i will not talk about this again. Please stop planning my unborn daughters life. I will not put her in pagents. That is trashy. Stop watching toddlers in tiaras. It is also trashy. I love you.
his dick is like his red hair, amazing but useless
Replacing day drinking with a real job was the worst decision I've ever made.
What do you want me to say to her? "Oh hey, I need to borrow your soon to be husband to make a porn, cool?"
I wish you would always start your sentences with "speaking of my clit..."
I woke up with a half eaten bag of lettuce in my hand, wearing my Halloween costume from last year. Damn you tequila.
Boobs are also good for catching the vodka gummy bears that miss my mouth
No, absolutely not. If you see that cunt, throw confetti or eggs at her.
That's a pretty extreme jump from confetti to eggs
Can you imagine how doomed are children are? I mean for one they have our genetics and then we will ruin them as parents. It will be the most magical adventure. Let's not start soon, too many adventures at hand that involve immense amounts of alcohol.
We have a pile of chopped wood here that suggests we may have chopped down a tree of some sort.
No dude. I can't think of anything LESS sexy than yodeling
We are not having sex in the fucking kindergarten
Just broke into the basement of my house via my american red cross blood donor card. I officially save lives
i swear a herd of elephants who like to smoke weed lives directly above our room
You do realize last night you asked me if shampoo had an expiration date then cried for 15 mins when I told you it did
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