I'm drinking while my friends build sand castles, now I know how my dad used to feel
Did she have bad breath? Bad breath makes you think of all the bad things in the world
The sex I just had was not worth missing a girls night out.
I think god is proud of me so he is rewarding me in discounted wine
My drug dealer just texted me that his kid had a rough sleep and was running late to deliver the ounce to my office. Totes adorbs.
IT'S LINGERIE PURCHASED FROM A FLEA MARKET, THE ONLY THING IT'S GOING TO BE POSITIVE FOR IS A TEST FOR HIV
I did sing regulators with a random black dude at The Rail without looking at the screen, hugged him and walked off stage. I pretty much live up to all expectations.
I drew a giraffe.. But she did say that bumped that test up from a 39 to a 40. It's the little things.
You know how I said I'd never worry about my roommate? Well I just walked in on her masturbating to Star Trek.
Did she boldly cum where no one has cum before?
I used the hope and guess method to figure out who I slept with last night.
In my next life I better get to be a bird. Fuck flying. I'm gonna shit on your car. Every. Day.
As planned I took it to the limit. Then we met a new limit. Now they are limit friends.
So I don't think the seahorse breeding thing is gonna work.
That was random, even for you Mom.
The best part of being a lesbian? If I'm late for work at a hookup's place I can use her make up and peace out. Well and all the sex of course.
I told him that he could either pay the 10 dollars for the box of condoms or I'll make him pay for the diapers.
Randomize
