Slugs feel like vagina... thought you would want to know
I didn't budget in chasers this month so were chasing everything with water. Sorry.
I woke up with glitter in my wounds.
i was gonna do a lot worse than just throw cat food on you while you were passed out, but then you sleep vomited and i felt a little bad
I think I fixed my testicle. That's why I didnt pay $25 for a doctor to do it
You said you wanted to wrap his dick in a tortilla and make a spicy burrito. Let me just say, most girls don't have this hard of a time getting laid.
Whenever you get off. By "pick me up from work" I mean, "pick me up from a bar by work at your earliest convenience" :)
Yet he continued to eat cereal out of the glove compartment in my car.
I've orgasmed so many times tonight I think I've become enlightened
Also a shrinking boner emoji would be helpful
Had dinner with a married woman but didn't have sex with her. Tweeted at Mike Pence to apologize anyway.
i was so proud for not passing out at the same time as usual. i screamed that i had a "new personal best!" then some jackass explained daylight savings.
sarah's view on last night: a threesome to make things less awkward. oh, well done.
Somebody put William Shatner singing Bohemian Rhapsody on the jukebox, and the whole bar is about to riot.
Grandpa just whipped it out and started pissing on the way to the game stuck in traffic. I saw EVERYTHING. :(
Randomize
