I'll buy you a vibrator, we can get married for tax benefits, and live happily ever after with lots of doggggs.
Im mastering the way to pass gas silently.
looking back, maybe 11 flaming dr peppers was a little extreme
i'm sitting in the second floor bathroom drinking coronas in the shower. do not find me.
we've decided to start cutting you off when you can't figure out how to work an ipod.
Also, do you think i could get away with finishing my vodka cranberry from last night at work if i put orange juice in it? Serious question.
I just got a lap dance from a kid in the coconut bra... So not drunk enough for this.
YO CONGRATULATIONS ON YOUR MÉNAGE À TROIS. YOU GO, GLENN COCO
He told me that he's proud of our abnormalcy as a couple. I think it's the most romantic thing he's ever said.
I'm shotgunning a meatball sub and watching flip or flop. i have reached a new level of singledom.
There were firefighters and a fire truck up the street. I asked what was wrong and their exact words were "Just a tiny explosion; it'll be all right"
Also, feel like I need to install a nanny cam to remind myself what I did the night before.
Yeah I'm just gonna stay here and spread my horniness to the world.
I am cleaning melted cheese out of my hair. This is a new experience for me
im pretty sure i tried to use axe body spray to cover up the strong urine smell coming from my jeans. im also pretty sure that it didnt work.
Randomize
