dear santa what can i do with your candy cane?
What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
I walked into cold stone and the guy started preparing a supersized birthday cake remix for "Mrs. Munchies"
It's 8 am and he's already trying to get me to make out with a girl.
He set 8 alarms to make sure I took my birth control on time..
A nice make out session never hurt anyone. Plus he's a pilot, so he'll know the safety procedures for when the night crashes and burns.
Dude, I think shitting blood should be a cause for concern not celebration that you had a great night.
When the cop tells you to leave the pool, does that mean you have to put your bathing suit back on too?
I dunno what the deal was, but you spent about an hour trying to put your phone charger in the outlet and you were yelling "one plug to rule them all"
You didn't try to help me when I fell on the dance floor. She brought me cupcakes. You're a shitty friend, suck your own dick.
I walked into a room this morning and someone asked how my back was because I apparently threw myself off the porch after attempting to set myself on fire. Who the fuck let drunk me play with fire?!
Better question: who the fuck planted a tree next to the porch?!
Someone I just met told me they were going to name their kid after me. Daylight savings is weird.
I think tonight's gonna be the night I wear a go pro while trippin on acid
When you didn't respond I figured you must be busy so I'm home in my pj's 2 beers in and stoned from weed I got from my gaybours. They also gave me cake. I'm not moving from this recliner.
Ran into my FWB on my walk of shame and went back to her place. Even my walk of shames are awesome!!!
Randomize
