you can't spend the night you always smell like dirty underwear and my roommates complain
You know, as long as there were ice cream breaks, I would totally eat chips for a living.
talk of her extensive whoreness has crossed oceans. thats impressive.
I need you to come over. Im crying, day drinking and working out simultaneously.
Well I don't know him that well so I don't think I can give advice. You should make him a cake. Or have sex with him.
YOU'RE HIGH AND AT THE GYM OF COURSE YOU FEEL WEIRD
My thighs feel like glass
Me and allie were just offered cocaine by a strange man in a women's bathroom. Why have I not lived in Austin my whole life?
I fucking love my neighbors. I offered him chocolate and somehow it turned into a sexual proposition.
Fuck me this girl I went home with has a cover on her remote control so there is no spills to ruin it. Imagine how many condoms she's going to make me wear
Don't send me nudes asking me to come fuck you on lunch break then send me a video of kids you're babysitting.
we will now reference it as "the infamous double dick night"
This is why people in Buffalo die of heart attacks. This and wings
His name was toto. That should have been my red flag
Yeahh. im on the phone with him drunk. he told me he found a pigeon in a cardboard box and named it quincy...
found a note from drunk me saying "don't worry i fed the mice". WHAT MICE?
Randomize
